Some couches are little more than wood and fabric; that’s fine and dandy for your granny, but it’s 2008, and chances are good you’ve invested in a cushy beast to cradle your bum. There’s more to that couch than meets the butt.

Ingredients:

Cushy Sofa

A decent ability to deep-throat

A lover

Recipe:

1. There’s no smooth way to ease into this recipe. You’re gonna have to be honest. “Let’s get freaky,” works wonders.

2. Begin with a little foreplay. Get naked. Take the seat cushion off of one side, and place it on the floor, aligning it with the remaining cushioned side of the couch.

3. Ladies, sit down on the sofa and spin yourself around so that your ass is against the back cushion, with your legs curving over the edge of the back. Your body should be in an upside-down, seated position. Now let your head drop. The seat cushion should be supporting your neck, but your head should be off the edge. This position allows for a “straight shot,” opening your throat and allowing for deeper penetration.

4. Tell your bitch, “Get on the floor!” Have him kneel on the cushion you placed on the ground. The cushion is optional, but it can make kneeling more comfortable and can also, depending on the plushness of your cushion, elevate him to a more appropriate height. His groin should be aligned with your face… obviously. Now, some may call this “face-fucking,” but I prefer the term “oral intercourse.”

5. From here, he can pump away, and you can control the speed of his thrusts by placing your hands around his bum or on his hips. Your hands are free to roam his body and he, in turn, gets an amazing, and flattering, view of yours; he has access to your entire body. Think of it as the lazy girl’s advanced sixty-nine.

6. Now, I suspect you want to do the damn thing. Girls, get your boys to back up a couple feet, away from the couch. Remaining in the same position, slowly slide your head and shoulders to the floor/cushion. Your back and bottom should be pressed against the front of the couch, your bottom aligned with the edge of the couch; you should look like your in the middle of a backwards somersault. For added support, you can cup your hips in your hands, taking some weight off the couch.

7. From here, he can squat above you, do you from the front, and you can stare at his sweet ass; or, if you want more intimacy he can sit on the couch, and lean into your groin in a semi-missionary position. However, this requires some serious upper-body strength, as he will be supporting half of his weight on his arms.

8. Both positions mentioned above are ideal for deeper penetration, and we guarantee you’ll never look at a couch the same way again!